And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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