She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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