The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
