I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
