So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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