I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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