My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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