you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My balls are so social today.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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