guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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