My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say š
whatever, tonight Iāll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I guess when the asshole said āI really miss you and want to get back togetherā he actually meant āIām banging a Hooters girl behind your back.ā
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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