oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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