i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
