Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
