you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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