I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
