I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
