So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
