Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I supernannyed him into submission
‎"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize