do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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