I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
