The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
