i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
