I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
