Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
