there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
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