I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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