i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
