Don't make out with my wife yet
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
