I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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