Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
