I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
