I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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