I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
