never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize