I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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