you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
sarcasm needs its own font
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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