DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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