you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize