Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
