I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
