I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
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