I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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