Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
