her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
