i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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