mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
