i think my mom watched the whole time
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
