As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
