i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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