that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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