hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
