im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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