Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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