when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
