K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
