I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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