so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
