I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
