i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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