If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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