i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
