We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
