you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
