ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
